One of the aspects of Seasonal Affective Disorder I’ve come to work with is my own expectations. Of how I can best manage my mental health during the winter by staving away negativity. A lot of it boils down to keeping my expectations low so I can best cope with disappointment. One drawback is maintaining control and how easily things can go awry.
It doesn’t take long for depression to spiral. Even reaching a point where it seems that everything is fine can be highly dangerous. Getting comfortable with mental health takes a lot of time and anxiety plays a major role. In certain circumstances it can be a double-edged sword. Reaching a sense of comfort is almost inviting the question of ‘Ok. Things are good now but it’s only a matter of time before something goes wrong. Just you wait’. Wait long enough and it will happen.
That something can be anything which is one of the things I have come to accept. If you expect that things will go wrong, once they do you fail to feel devastated. At the moment I’m trying my best to manage my expectations by keeping them brutally low. Even if my expectations are exceeded, such is the low self-esteem that I fail to believe them or something must have gone wrong for it to happen.
Every Monday I try to put something in my calendar to look forward to each day. That could be some baking I want to do, a film I want to see at the cinema, an evening going with the running club or simply a meal I want to have. These should be achievable yet I should know better than to expect that they are. Perhaps I won’t have the right ingredients or I won’t be able to get to the cinema (or the cinema will be closed due to ‘technical difficulties’ which did happen last week). I cannot control the weather yet even then I feel like adverse conditions are my fault. Storm Barra is totally down to me.
Yesterday and today have been bad days. I’ve realised they were going to be bad days early in the morning which does help somewhat. There are some days that you simply wake up and know that everything is going to be a struggle. My anxiety is heightened and my low mood feels like the walls are caving in. Even then I should expect the day to be a write-off yet I keep plodding on when I should signal for help. Perhaps I should have a badge or a status update that simply reads, ‘Having one of those days, just don’t’. The worst thing that can happen is for something to go wrong. It could be anything, even the most trivial thing. A dropped mug, a disagreement over the amount of noise or a piece of bad news.
Today I’ve stayed in all day which has not helped. The weather was miserable this morning and by the time the sun was out I’d had an argument that meant I’d lost all focus for an hour or two. That should have been the ideal time to go out yet even then my morale was at the floor. ‘You know it’s going to rain, don’t you’. I shouldn’t listen to the nagging voice in my head but occasionally it wins.
Depression can also mask over achievements. A feeling of worthlessness can pour a level of thick tar over the shiniest of trophies. Take the last few weeks for example. This time last week I hit £500 in my fundraising for Movember which is a staggering amount of money. I should be ecstatic that so many people donated to men’s health just because I grew a moustache. Even then I failed to fully embrace how big an achievement it was due to that sense that it was undeserved. I’ve also managed to secure huge interviews for my book and still I’m worried that my writing is terrible, that someone will beat me to publishing and what’s the point in it all anyway?
Ah yes, THAT question. The worst question of them all which lies at the crux of my low expectations. I’m yet to reach the point of remaining in bed all day yet if I’m struggling in the run-up to Christmas it’s not looking good for January, folks. There should be a point to everything I do. I have a job that means I can write all day. I have people who want to be around me. I’ve written over 200,000 words for a book that I’m interested in. I should count myself lucky yet depression clouds all judgment.
What is the point in getting out of bed when you’re going to make mistakes?
What is the point in telling someone not to do something when they will inevitably do it and that’ll only disappoint you?
What is the point in going outside when it’s going to rain?
What is the point in decorating a Christmas tree when someone might not like it?
What is the point in baking Mince Pie Bakewell Squares when no-one is going to appreciate them and you’re going to get fat from eating them?
Tomorrow I’ll be pleased if I can simply manage the basics hour on hour. Get up. Get showered. Get dressed. Anything past that is a bonus.
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