One of the hardest aspects of Seasonal Affective Disorder is telling yourself that everything is ok, when it clearly is not. As much as you want to act ‘normally’, the dark thoughts pervade your thinking and attempt to control your mindset. A week in, I’m trying to force myself to break the cycle.
Social Life
Being with others should take me away from my own head. In theory. On Tuesday night I went out with the running club followed by the monthly social in the pub (free chip sandwiches FTW). Even during the run I felt out of sorts. I tend to run alone in a group as I struggle to hold a conversation while trying to catch my breath yet this was different. Worse. I went out of my way not to make conversation when the opportunities arose then hoped no-one noticed. I showered, changed and took some homemade Parkin to the social in an attempt to force myself to get some attention and remove myself from my own head. Taking my seat at the end of the table I took in the compliments then… listened to everyone’s conversation. There’s a telling aspect about SAD that even in social situations it can render you helpless. The worthless thoughts micromanaging each sentence as they’re being formed to render them pointless. I sat there in silence, watching everyone else’s conversations wondering why I couldn’t contribute, why I couldn’t get a word in, why I was even there. I flitted in and out of my own head until I realised it was simply too awkward to sit there so made my excuses that I could watch The Great British Bake Off on +1.
With Saturday night approaching I really want to see some fireworks yet I know I’ll fail to persuade anyone to come. I have asked yet I’m being left on read, which is hardly surprising, I’d not to want to be in my own company at the moment either. Perhaps a long walk to watch fireworks from a distance is the best I can hope for and the most I should expect.
Daily Habits
Sleep has become increasingly important and I’m becoming stringent in going to bed at a reasonable hour, essentially when I’m tired at around 11pm. Even at weekends I’m up at 7am; stretch then grab a cup of black tea and a pint of filtered water. Keeping it simple and counting it as an achievement if I can maintain it day on day. I’m also trying to keep myself active, the running club is proving invaluable to my mental (and physical) health yet so is simply going outside for a walk around lunchtime. Regular mealtimes, podcasts and my ongoing Duolingo streak and also daily achievements. The Saturday Night Drinking Binge is also being put on hold, there’s something painfully pathetic about drinking alone in the house.
Planning Ahead
Week on week I’m trying to fill my calendar. Even if that’s a regular occurrence such as running club or Parkrun, if it’s an activity I can put in then it’s going in. There are certain events that give me something to look forward to like the cinema, a gig or an annual event like Bonfire Night. However, if my current social life continues to go the way it’s going then Movie Nights and Batch Cooking may become increasingly frequent entries. Then there’s Movember, my annual distraction from SAD by growing a moustache to raise money for men’s health. If a moustache can grab some attention then those pervading thoughts may take a sideline.
Say Something Original 